If you were to translate “used-car salesman” in to Croatian, it would come out sounding a lot like, “vino rakija”, although this literally means, “wine and brandy”. These fellows are the rather sleazy wine salesmen of the Balkans. And if that sounds harsh, try what they make. It generally pales in comparison to a name brand maker down the road who takes his wine to Zagreb to be certified as opposed to selling it in a “bring your own bottle” situation.
And it’s not because they’re using different grapes most of the time, but in how they make the wine. The same craft that a true winemaker puts in to his wares is not seen in the final liquid of these guys who seem to see it mostly as business where they can make a quick turnaround.
Picture this, you’re driving down a scenic road along the Adriatic coast. You see a handwritten sign with “vino rakija”, faded from years in the sun. It seems like it’s maybe some authentic, hidden gem waiting to be discovered, so you pull over to see what’s there. Out pops the VinoRakijaMan.
Immediately you’re ushered in to try some wine and once done with that, maybe some rakija, and then maybe some pršut, and then maybe some honey, and then maybe your kids want to go for a ride on a pony, and maybe you’d like a free balloon with a bottle? The VinoRakijaMan will run through everything that he has and work to entice you to buy. His sales technique? If you know it, it’s something along the lines of Monty Python’s, “Know what I mean? Nudge nudge, wink wink. Say no more!” There is a definitely cheesiness and forcefulness to the sales transaction. Those not accustomed to haggling will undoubtedly walk out with armloads of wares they didn’t really want. I say this as I’ve seen it, especially with British tourists who find it rude to tell someone off.
The plus side to all of this weaseling is that the wine is cheap, it probably won’t hurt you, and due to the overall high quality of grapes in the region, it will probably be okay for table drinking. The other good side is that if you are a haggler, you will find your lifelong challenge with the VinoRakijaMan. He’s crafty and a master at bargaining. He might pull out of a puppy that needs to be fed if you try and work him down on the cost just for sympathy. So, basically, watch out. If you don’t want to haggle, avoid these guys and their crafty ways.
Here are some indicators of what to look for to avoid VinoRakijaMan:
- Hand painted signs
- Badly spelled signs in two or more languages.
- Any place that requires you to bring your own bottle.
- A guy weed eating without a shirt who helps you to taste the wine (yeah, we experienced this.)
- Mules. These are only for tourists these days, since no one carries grapes with them anymore.
Any combination of, “Vino Rakija”, “Vino Rakija Lemonada” (Wine Brandy Lemonade), “Vino Rakija Levanda” (seen on Hvar where ‘levanda’ means, ‘lavender’), “Vino Rakija Pivo” (Wine, Brandy, and Beer is never good), “Vino Rakija Ulje” (while the Croat olive oils are quite good, the ones in these places are very overpriced.)
Bearing all of this in mind and wanting to live your life via taking chances, the following could be worthwhile: “Vino Rakija Med” (avoid the first two and try the ‘med’ or ‘honey’, they often make very good stuff), “Vino Rakija Prošek”. In this case, ‘prošek’ is the sweet dessert wine that people make and the best stuff is only made via small production. Once again, you probably want to avoid the first two offerings though.
If you do tempt fate and hit up a place with a VinoRakijaMan, take it in stride. All the ones we met were these caricatures that we still talk about today. Who knows, you might indeed find some glorious wine at an amazing price. But, more than anything you’ll come away with a term that transcends alcoholic drinks for use as an adjective.
That younger brother of your friend with all the “great” deals on cars, that’s a VinoRakijaMan. That friend who always tells you how good their life is and how they can help you get this happiness, but won’t shut up, that’s a VinoRakijaMan. Anyone blowing anything out of proportion for the purposes of convincing others is for all other purposes, a VinoRakijaMan.
There is a VinoRakijaMan everywhere in everyone’s lives, somewhere.
